私を見つけて
Month
“Sometimes you are going to miss a person who was an almost to you. And feel sad because there is no name for that feeling. You just feel it in a way that makes you tired to your very bones.”
— Nikita Gill, Almost Feelings
What They Don’t Tell You
•Even after you cut someone toxic/abusive out of your life, they drain you
•They get to walk away and pretend like it didn’t happen, while you’re left to pick up the pieces
•Sometimes they’ll play victim, try to garner all the sympathy and attention even though you know they have no right
•Sometimes they’ll take a fake high road, accuse you of lying and say they did nothing wrong, that you hurt them, and pretend that they’re better
•Some won’t take no for an answer
•They’ll do anything to put the blame on you. To make you seem like the villain or the monster
•Most will hurt someone again. And the hardest part is accepting that it won’t be your fault
•You’ll feel a void in your life where they were. You might miss them. That’s normal.
•You have to relearn so many things. What actual healthy love/friendships/relationships are
•You need to learn to trust again, to see the world as more then its darkness
•You’ll think you’re faking it sometimes. Even if others believe you, the what if will always creep up
•You need support. No one can do this alone
•Healing isn’t linear. It has its ups and its downs. Some vary day to day
•Just because you have a bad day doesn’t mean you’re regressing
•Everyone heals differently, but there will always be a scar
•Somethings may never be the same for you, somethings will trigger you. And that’s ok
•Nothing you did caused this. You didn’t deserve it. You didn’t do anything. THEY chose to hurt YOU.
•Some abusers might have loved you, and it’s hard to accept that. Remember that this is toxic, unhealthy love
•You don’t have to forgive them. But you also don’t have to never forgive. Whatever helps you heal is what you need to do
•You may lose more people then just the one. Whether it’s people who support them, won’t support you, people you now see differently, etc. That’s ok
•You get to choose whose in your life
It was never easy from the beginning. I don’t trust anymore. But I did a few times I expose myself completely, like a fool I am. Trusting their lies, always collecting broken promises.
I read in a book that difficulty in life and some people are put in our lives to teach us lessons, making us grow and become who we are meant to be…
What’s the lesson I’m missing?
The author said that untly the lesson it’s learned similar things will happen, hurt every time more until we learn. When we got it, it will stop, some people will get out of our lives and others will change the behaviour that is hurting us.
I was hurt so many times in a same way but I can’t see what I have to learn. I were there to them, trust them, always left behind when need the most. Always having to cut people out of my life.
When I was little it really didn’t hurt much. Change school made new friends, everything was alright again. After some time I end up only show my true colours to a few people, keep my circle small, secure. I talk to everyone but only had meaningful conversation with a some. Seems to had work for a while. Till I need help from the people I had done everything for.
Lost trust, isolated myself, when it look like I was becoming strong again I open up a bit to a few girls, lot’s of ideas and feelings alike. I let myself trust and be trust again. Same thing one at a time, all in different ways but every time hurt in the same place, just more and more.
First one was always needing me but when I got sick and had nothing else to give ‘cus I couldn’t and was my time to need help she started to do the opposite. I tried every single thing to protect and then to make you feel better but I couldn’t do more and I’m sorry for that. I really am. But I need you too, just a little, just your support and empathy. I was really scared, nothing was making it stop, I was loosing so much weight and start making tests for everything, even cancer. I still worry about you. I really do but you needed to go.
Second, full of lies, everything was made up to look like a “good samaritan” in front of everyone, even her relationship was manipulated to look perfect in front of others, while a total mess, getting worse from all the made up things. She was never saying or doing what she wanted, Everything was forced. I came to a point I couldn’t trust her anymore over all the fake stuff. I had been always there to make her feel better, giving my best advice and ideas. Any time, any hour, until I understand that it was fake too, she only needed attention most of the time, always to busy for me otherwise. Last time we spoken she promised to reach out for me and to listen to me when I needed her. Told her I didn’t believe in promises 'cus it’s all lies. She affirmed that would prove me wrong…
Third, never felt so much pain. I loved her like she had the same blood running through her veins. I had trust her my life if I had too. The longest friendship I had ever had. Almost 10 years of my life. I can’t tell if we become different or if I wasn’t need anymore. I tolerated somethings, felt used, left out, talked in my back. And it made me in pieces, someone I had always supported, always trusted, showed my soul, said all my secrets to had left me alone at the worst meaning of the expression. Suddenly I was always wrong, always rude even though we always said the truth to each other. Always making excuses for her behaviour. Till that day. I couldn’t accepted that. The way you were treating me… I still love you and want you to be very happy. But I need you to be out of my life. Because of you I will never trust someone again. One time I had my hand read and was said I would had two big loves in my life, and three times my heart break. You were one of those three for sure.
I still got someone to call friend in the true meaning of the word, and it makes me really sad, I can’t trust her or expect anything for her, I am really afraid to get hurt again in the same way, in the same space of my heart, so I don’t let her in, I don’t call when I need her or let her know when I am sad.
I am supposed to become scared to trust, cold, scared to get close, to open up? What is the lesson? I’m not getting it. I am becoming a worse person not a better one.
My dreams were vanished so many times, my heart turned into pieces, I don’t believe in happy endings or things that last for ever anymore. I can’t.
Help me God it still hurt like hell and I’m not getting it.
Maybe parents / grandparents only pretend to need computer help so you’ll spend time with them.